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  • Writer's pictureSagan


"And the Skipper said unto Sailors, Come up to me into the boat, and be there: and I will give thee thine Sea Pass, and a law, and commandments which I have written; that thou shalt respect them."

1. I am the SKIPPER thy Host, who brought ye out of the land of Florida, and into the house of Metal. Thou shalt have no other god before Me.

2. Thou shalt not make of thyself an elitist —any tormentor of anyone who isn't into death, or black, or in the folk spectrum, or that is into power or doom. Thou shalt not look down upon them nor scoff them.

3. Thou shalt not take wearing sunscreen as a game, for the sun will not hold guiltless ye who fail to protect your skin on the high sea, or on the Caribbean beaches.

4. Remember the First day, to keep it under control. 4 days thou shalt party and see thy favourite bands, but the first day is the most dangerous of all. In it thou shalt do no reckless drinking, lest thou want to spend the rest of the cruise hungover. For 4 days the SKIPPER gave onto thee the biggest heaviest metal cruise, the beer, and all the liquor that is stocked on board, and wants thee to enjoy the full length of the voyage. Therefore pace thyself in thy libations, so that thou may enjoy thyself to the fullest.

5. Honor thy shower and deodorant at least once nightly, that thy days may be long upon the pool deck which the SKIPPER thy Host hast given thee, without making thy fellow sailors feel sickened by thine stench.

6. Thou shalt not bully, ridicule, harass, assault, or otherwise intimidate any other sailor.

7. Thou shalt not leak any bodily fluids - thine own or other people's - into the hot tubs.

8. Thou shalt be respectful of the musicians; for they are there to entertain, not to be made uncomfortable.

9. Thou shalt not cockblock or beaverdam thy cabin mates; always have a system in place if thy room must be vacated for salacious purposes, and always have condoms available; for what happens on the boat stays on the boat - except for an STD, which will come back home with thee.

10. Thou shalt not covet other sailors' belongings; thou shall not covet other sailors' spot in the merch store line, nor their unattended drink, nor their place in the front row, nor the jewelry they left poolside, nor their spot at karaoke, nor anything that is other sailors'.

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